Up, Down, Sideways, Whoa! . . . Where’d That Come From?

Rollercoaster?  Downhill skiing?  Motocross?

No.

Marriage.

Just a few thoughts about marriage and long term relationships, the good, the bad, the ugly.  I’ve been in a long term relationship and a long term marriage (not both at the same time!) and know a little bit about the challenges, what works, and what doesn’t.  I have friends and relatives that have been married numerous times and some that have been with the same partner for decades.  Also, some folks had quite a few ‘failures’ before hitting on the long term solution.

First of all, I don’t think marriage is for everyone.  Second, although I don’t believe in divorce myself, I don’t in any way condemn others for making that choice or going through that process.  It’s a very personal decision based on circumstance and individual situations.

That being said, I have observed the first few years of a marriage may very well be the hardest.  Even if you have lived with a person for several years, having that ‘yoke’ of marriage on you changes everything in very subtle ways.  There is a period of adjustment to each other, then after the adjustment, there is the ‘ah ha’ moment.  You wake up one morning and look at your partner and think, “He’s just not as handsome as he used to be.”  Or, “What the heck have I gotten myself into?”  You start to change a bit and maybe get too used to each other.  The romance may fade or their habits start to get on your nerves.  You may stop talking to each other or stop making time for each other.  Little things, like a wet towel left on the bathroom floor, can cause a total blow up.

Life gets busy.  Yes, people change over time but that’s not always a bad thing.  Work happens, children happen, money problems happen, roving eyes happen.  But somehow, if there is communication and a deep down commitment, you can get through all the challenges.

As I have ‘mellowed’ I have taken a fresh look at all of my relationships and found ways to make them better and life in general better. First, I always remind myself how much I treasure other people and how precious the time I get to spend with others really is. Second, I remind myself I can be a real pain at times. Third, I accept that there are things about other people that will never change and I love them anyway for all of the good qualities they have. I could never have said these things 20 years ago and I would never have believed them or taken them as words to live by. Growing up has been an eye opener and a good one for me.

It doesn’t ever get completely easy. Like I said, people keep changing and so does life. But the commitment shouldn’t change. It’s either there or it isn’t. I don’t know if you can get it back once it is gone. I guess that’s why I believe, if you go into a marriage with the idea that it’s for life, it makes things easier.

“Back up plan? There is no back up plan. This is it!” quote from ‘Armed and Dangerous’ that just happens to be on while I am typing this blog. Timing is everything.